Boyfriend Application

BOYFRIEND APPLICATION

Name (First, Middle, and Last please!)
______________________________________________

Birthdate __________________
Zodiac Sign __________________
Occupation __________________________________________________________

Long Term Goals: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Have you ever been married? __ Yes __ No
If yes, why did you divorce? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(If you are still married, please discard this application immediately.)

Name and phone number of your ex-wife ____________________________________________

How often do you see and/or speak to your ex?
__ Never. She mysteriously disappeared after our divorce.
__ Never. She mysteriously disappeared before our divorce.
__ Never. The restraining order prevents it.
__ I peer through the windows when she’s not looking.
__ All the time. We still live together.
__ Other ________________________________________________________

Do you have children? __ Yes __ No
If no, would you like to have them one day? __ Yes __ No
Have you ever received an intentional knee to the groin? __ Yes __ No
If yes, would you be willing to undergo a medical examination to rule out the possibility of sterility? __ Yes __ No
Names, ages, and genders of your children: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(If above lines offer insufficient space, you are not eligible for this position.)

Do you have a penis? __ Yes __ No (Answering no will not necessarily disqualify you, provided that you can compensate for your inadequacy.)
How do you plan to compensate?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(Feel free to attach photographs and/or diagrams.)

Can your body withstand long nights of sex with little or no sleep? __ Yes __ No

Hobbies and Interests:
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Last movie you watched: _________________________________________________________
(If it starred Jackie Chan or Vin Diesel, you are disqualified from this position.)

Favorite TV shows: ________________________________________________________

Favorite musicians:
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(If any of them are on the Top 40 Country charts, please dispose of this application immediately.)

Last church visit ____________________
Name of church ________________________

Do you regularly donate time and/or money to charity? __ Yes __ No
If yes, which charitable organizations? ______________________________________________
If no, why not? ____________________________________________________
Last random act of kindness: ________________________________________

How large is your porn collection?
__ Smaller than a breadbox __ Has its own room in your house
__ Fits neatly under your bed __ You rent a storage unit

Do you wear socks during sex? __ Yes __ No
If so, do I have permission to choke you with them? __ Yes __ No

Do you maintain a blog? __ Yes __ No
If yes, URL please! ________________________________________________________
Do you blog the details of your sexual exploits? __ Yes __ No
If no, why not? ________________________________________________________

Why are you applying for this position? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If you are chosen for the position, what will your first order of business be? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I hereby solemnly swear that I have been completely honest and forthright in my answers above. I agree to submit to any and all of the following if deemed appropriate: polygraph tests, blood tests, credit checks, criminal background checks, endurance tests, skills assessments, and reference checks.

Signature ______________________________
Date ______________________